Monday, May 29, 2006

Open Letter to the English

Dear English Readers (presumably there's at least one),
 
recently as you may be aware Scottish People have been reticent about supporting the English Football team at the World Cup. As an English person you may be suffering from a cornucopia of emotions regarding this surprise announcement after a millenia of hostilities between our two peoples.
 
As the official (and, admittedly, only) delegate to the English from this Blog I thought it was honour, nay duty to respond and clarify certain matters.
 
Firstly, at the annual "Scottish-Persons Orgy, Shindig and Annual General Meeting" some guy in a "See You Jimmy" hat (complete with garish red wig and cheap Barra's Kilt) made the following Motion to the assemblage:
 
We, the people, wish to establish the list, in order, of teams to support at this year's World Cup since our ain team wis too jaykied to play well enough to get in.
 
The Conference agreed and the draw took place. Surprisingly, all the teams in your World Cup league made it ahead of youse, and the fact you appeared in last place (behind the referee actually) is neither here nor there. Who knows, maybe next time you'll make it up there! (please note this is not a breath holding situation).
 
Now, initial case studies regarding this open letter suggested that it seemed to generate as much confusion as not writing did. Therefore, A Real Town Counterfeit Blog has introduced "Glove Puppet Explanation Theatre" for those too dimwitted to understand the above.
 
 
Thank you for listening.
 
Now please leave and go and have sex with something.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Scamming the Scammers 4 - the Twist

It turned out Lina seemed too normal to be a scammer and I thought I'd leave that one be.
 
I'm kind of guessing it had to happen... I used to be on the website I used (no surpirises there) but I hadn't used it in more months than I can be bothered to count.
 
So, it came as a surprise when I got a bite on a dead account. My photo and everything (but we'll avoid posting that link )
 
Here is what Katya said:
 
Hello my dear friend Kenny!
I very for a long time waited for this moment and today, at last, I have received this long-awaited letter! I hope, we shall easily find with you common language because me to not be suffered to learn you closer. I want to learn about you as much as possible (if, certainly there will be no objections of you): whether you have been married, whether there are at you children? And it is far from being the list of questions on which I would like to hear answers. All this is very important for me for the reason that each letter from you will be important part ours, just the begun relations. In letters the key to a solution of your private world is covered. I should consider very seriously our correspondence, in fact a choice of the future partner in life - put very much not idle time. 
Now, I think, it is necessary to tell about myself a little: I was born 04.05.1978 years in a small small town near to Saratov. But has lived there rather not for long - on leaving school has acted in legal institute in the city of Saratov. After institute work on a speciality to find it was not possible, it is very difficult for making, because in our country it is a lot of lawyers. It was necessary to be arranged with the seller of home appliances though, to tell the truth, I a little, that in it understand and me constantly to have to consult at my girlfriend. She works in the next department, and I am very grateful to her that she has helped me to be arranged. Certainly, this not that work of which it would be desirable to dream, but nevertheless I to her value - the profit on this work is my unique income. The computer, to a huge regret, at me is not present, and consequently I use the Internet of cafe. I do not have what certain hobby because to be engaged something ser
 iously at me there is no time, after work I strongly get tired, and domestic have put too suffices. Sometimes in the days off we with the girlfriend visit pool. The love to water has woken up in me in the deep childhood, father very much frequently drove me on a small rivulet on which there is our small town, and taught me to float. But he had not to teach for a long time me because already then I felt like in water not less confidently, than on land. And now I very not bad swim, some times even supported institute in city competitions on navigation.
In the man I appreciate, first of all, his private world. Appearance does not play for me any value.
I think, that about yourselves you can make of my brief story small, but nevertheless, conclusions concerning me and my character. And if I have interested you, as the person and as the girl I with impatience shall look forward to hearing from you!
                                                 Katya.
 
Decent enough, could be normal, could be cool, but when I replied, two or three days late I got this:
 
Hello dear Kenny
You cannot present at all as I am glad to receive your letter! I have checked up a mail before work, and all my colleagues all the day long addressed with the same question: " That has taken place? Why you all shining with happiness? ". And I allowed all the same answer: " Probably, soon I shall become the happiest woman in the world! ". But I have not told him the reason of my pleasure because very much I am afraid to maleficiate our only begun relations.
You liked my first letter? I very much liked your letter. By your first letter, you the good person. I very much liked all that you in it have written.
Why you have chosen me from set of the girls registered on a site? What is the time you are in searches of the girl of your heart? I think these questions enough for the second letter. I would like to ask you that you did not hesitate and asked to me any questions on which you would like to hear answers. And still, please, describe more in detail the character and that, first of all, interests you in girls.
Now again it is a little about me.
I do not like arrogant, haughty and too self-confident people. Certainly, should be self-assured, but not too. By the way speaking, I do not have not enough confidence of. Probably it of that I very modest, vulnerable and trustful girl. As to my attitude to relatives to me to people, I very gentle, tender, devoted. Above all I do not like to argue and I try to concede, even when the person not the rights, but it does not mean, that I so was easy for offending that! When it is required, I can stand for myself. Now it is a little about my hobbies. As you have guessed from my first letter, I very much like to float, read books, to walk on fresh air. ! Very much a plenty of time, (practically from work) I spend all free time on kitchen, behind preparation of various dishes. My friends speak, that I perfectly prepare, I do not know so it whether or not, (very much I hope), but I invest all soul in each dish prepared by me.
With impatience I shall look forward to hearing!
                                                   Sincerely yours Katya.


It all seems rather eager, although I could be paranoid. But this much... after so short a time? Who knows, but it's the only lead I have.
 
It seems curious that my "scamming" attempt should come so close to someone replying to my dead account.
 
Insert your own cliche's here...

Monday, May 08, 2006

Scamming the Scammers 3

Well, it took a while, but we got a bite...
 
 
From: Lina341 Date: 08.05.2006 13:24 Hallo,

My name is Lina and I'm from St.Petersburg. I liked your picture and profile. If you want please write me on my E-mail lina20033@mail.ru

Lina
 
Can't figure out if she's normal of if she's a scammer... Hmm.... Seems a bit pretty to be "on the shelf" and from browsing she's been there a while, can't decide...
 
Thoughts...?
 
Anyway, my reply is  
 
Hi there Lina!

How are you?

I'm Jarvis, and I'm from Hamilton in Scotland, UK.

I'd really glad you liked my profile and picture, and I'd like to get know you better. I'm quite excited you are from Saint Petersburg, it is quite a mythical city in the west, especially here in Scotland.

I'd like to know what you're interested in, what kind of person you are and what you enjoy about life.

Please ask me anything about what you want to know and I will answer!

Jarvis
xx
 
...Some days I feel like such a complete heel... Hope I scored a scammer on my first go


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