Today, numerous newspapers reported on how Glasgow-born Gary McKinnon is to be extradited to the United States to faces charges on Computer Hacking which could result in a 70 year jail sentence because he used his talents to try and find evidence on UFOs on USA military computers.
It would be churlish of me to argue that being a half-wit isn’t a crime, but that ignores the spirit of rules where sometimes motive isn’t a requirement of guilt. Take the TUC policy on workforce bullying: in this definition, the person conducting the bullying campaign need not ‘intentionally’ be bullying the victim. Only the behaviour concerned counts. This is why that particular TUC policy is ignored by most, if not all, Local Government Authorities.
More pertinently, however, is the argument from the Herald that American Prosecutors have never had to provide evidence of Mr McKinnon’s guilt, and therefore this is in breach of his human rights.
This is a curious area where the fundamental political theory regarding a Liberal Democracy goes against the individual human rights of a citizen. What I’m referring to in “political theory” is the principle of John Locke that any Nation has the right to protect its borders using military force. From the USA perspective, he brought down a bunch of US Army Computers, breached the security of NASA… all on a Quest the country’s entertainment industry vaunted and validated through the TV series the X-Files. This, obviously, is in direct conflict with his human rights as the USA has not submitted proof of guilt.
According to the Sun: “McKinnon, originally from Milton, Glasgow, also allegedly disabled a naval weapons station for a week.” In my opinion, if he’s that damned good, don’t charge the fucker, HIRE HIM. Everyone has a price, especially those people who claim they don’t. That sounds cynical and blunt, but it’s true. And this brings up an interesting point, if he WAS so damned good, and if he committed all the unspeakable computer acts associated with him, then how come we ended up hearing about it? If *I* were in MI5, I’d have called the Americans and gone: “Look, we know the guy’s a nugget, but we’ll hook him up with GCHQ and make him pay penance on some anti-western Al Queda websites… He got into yours, the odd PHP3 board won’t be too difficult to break…”
Nah, this is far more simple than all that. Some nut with a predilection for the X-Files got himself caught, and the authorities thought: “Oh ho… now we have a lamb to sacrifice and make all those hackers think twice before they fuck with us!” And the unfortunate thing is, it’ll probably work.
Your super-soaraway-Sun has the answer. According to a poll in today’s newspaper (31-07-08) between 8 and 16% of people think Stonehenge, the Pyramids and Crop Circles are proof of alien life. Why is this proof? Because if you feed a population the same tired lie time after time, time after time, for long enough it becomes the truth.
This same poll argued that 42% of the population believed that Alien Life in our Solar System either “Definitely” or “Maybe” existed. If this poll means ‘Algae’ or ‘Bacteria’ then the answer could well be yes. Europa is a moon of Jupiter, and there is evidence of a watery interior being kept warm (or at the very least liquid) by the Gravitational Pull of that groovy failed star, Jupiter…
But I’ve this horrible feeling that most people are thinking about Greys, X-files, Stargate and Spaceships when they answered that question. THIS was the very question which apparently spurred on Gary McKinnon. Answer me this, does he deserve 70 years in the darkest American hole they can dig because of this?
For me, though, this isn’t entirely the USA’s fault, though. Somewhere along the line political correctness became corrupt and meant that asking simple questions became a crime. Somewhere, we molly-coddled ourselves so much that anything less than being pampered was unthinkable. We put up CCTV cameras to combat crime, and in the same instance neutered our crime fighters and rehabilitation institutions so that the prisoners didn’t have it too bad. If some Ned knives someone because they were bored, and end up caught on CCTV then I’m going to be a little pissed off if the end result is them playing Nintendo and learning how to nick cars from the other lags. I know this sounds right-wing, and I’m not, but being nice to killers plainly isn’t working.
But that’s not what computer hacking did… All that did was to cause a bit of embarrassment to the Americans and give them an excuse to threaten the world of computer hacking with a very Old Testament threat if they breached their databases. But that’s okay… Because our system means that you can happily abuse children, kill your neighbour, rape his wife and bitch-slap as many Salvation Army weirdoes who turn up at your door all you like, because you get less time in Prison!
[irony]All those crappy routines you learned to pull that girl of your dreams? Pointless. Rape her, get a few years in jail, play some Nintendo for that ‘10’ you like… it’ll be worth it… But touch an American Computer or breach whichever war we’re in this month…. Christ no… You’ll end up tortured or in Jail for the rest of your life![/irony]
I will write you the inscription on the gates of your freedom in Italian:
Per me si va ne la città dolente,
per me si va ne l'etterno dolore,
per me si va tra la perduta gente.
Giustizia mosse il mio alto fattore:
fecemi la divina podestate,
la somma sapienza e 'l primo amore.
Dinanzi a me non fuor cose create
se non etterne, e io etterno duro.
Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intratex
When you wish upon a star, occasionally your dreams can come true. Equally likely is that it’s a giant fuck-off meteorite destined to wipe all human beings from the planet as it did to the dinosaurs. I made two predictions: one, that the SNP would lose (in spite of the fact I was supporting them) and two, that Solidarity would out-perform the SSP. To gauge my utter wrongness, you have to invent mathematics that go SO far into the negative numbers that mathematicians haven’t even explored those realms yet. Therefore, since my predictions were so hideous, I would like to predict that I’m not having sex this month. Not with anyone else, and certainly not with Beyonce from Destiny’s Child. Hey… if I’m on a ‘being wrong with predictions’ streak, I should at least try and work it into a positive…
Still, my utter shambolic performance in imperfect art of precognition is proof (if any were needed) of there being no such thing as future-sight. So the next time your read Katie the psychic in The Sun (or as I like to think of it “that concentration camp for your brain whose only meagre contribution to world history, culture and politics is what Keeley thinks of the headline they’ve thought up that day”) rip out the page and wipe your ass with it. Or if you’re a guy, use your right hand, and Katie’s face for something useful for once.
But, back to the East Weege By-election. Someone (Raymond) pointed out to me that if the SSP and Solidarity HADN’T split, and therefore if you added both their votes together, they would’ve outpolled the Liberal Democrats. A salient point, and a thought I’ll leave incomplete for obvious reasons. I will, however, quote Yoda, from Star Wars: “Fear is the path of the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”
Yes, I DID just quote Stars War in relation to the nastiest split in Scottish Politics in the past five years. The big question is ‘Does this represent a feeling for Independence in Glasgow, and Scotland as a whole?’ I don’t think it matters if it represents Independence or not. I believe someone who believes in the Union is not going to vote for the SNP, but that’s a separate thing. What the by-election does is to publicly demonstrate dissatisfaction with the present Westminster regime and demonstrates a public genuinely wanting change. In Scotland, the only force who can viably get that is the SNP. And this bloody nose was broadcast all around the world.
And that was me checking only three out of the continents of the world. That’s a lot of people that just received an advertisement for the SNP, as sponsored by the voters of Glasgow East. For me, that’s the biggest thing, to see ourselves as others see us, and that’s as political activists on the world stage. This was the reason that the SRSM was so pissed off at the SSP during the G8 protests at Gleneagles. Then, they traded a chance to push Independence on a World Stage for every forgettable trendy slogan they had. And NOT independence. Maybe Tommy was too busy eating out an activist to attend THAT fucking meeting. We aren’t activists in our own backyards anymore, and we just highlighted Scottish Independence WORLDWIDE. Maybe if we’d done that a couple of years back it might’ve made a difference. If you don’t believe me, check the clustrmap that survived my recent purge. See the worldwide activity. That’s a lot of people around the world. And this is just one crappy blog. This win was witnessed Worldwide. Let me restate that for effect: YOUR WIN, YOUR VOTES, and YOUR ACTIVISM WAS WITNESSED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD. And every activist should be proud of that.
But more than that, there were those of us (and I’ll hold my hand up to this one) who needed hope for the hopeless. Some of us jaded cynics were expected the “Ma granda votit wan way so ah wull tae…” mentality. Most of the doe-eyed newbies amongst us refused not to believe. And they were right! For once…
I think also some people feel a wee bit guilty about just being able to provide financial support. Whilst the main thing which won the election was troops on the ground, those leaflets didn’t buy themselves and those lamp-post boards didn’t pay for themselves, so I think those people who gave donations have reason to feel proud.
God… this is turning into another congratu-circle and I swore I wouldn’t involve myself in that kind of thing anymore… Still, a worldwide win is a big thing, so I’m reckoning it’s exempt.
Shut up. I already know that’s double standards…
Anyhoo, I think my only regret is that currently, we don’t have an imposing Goliath figure. We don’t have a Malcolm X or Nelson Mandela, much less a Che Guevara… Most of the brightest sparks are men in grey suits with glasses from Specsavers. It’s a minor gripe, I know. It’s just that I think that somewhere in the woodwork, at this part on our path on the road to Independence, somewhere lurking in the Shadows there is lurking someone who will write their name in Scotland’s history for the rest of time, waiting to make their mark on history with their contribution to Scottish Independence. Ever thought that the person might be YOU? No, this isn’t me talking to myself, but YOU the person reading this blog. Ever wonder if YOU were the thing which this movement was lacking?
[sarcasm]First up... a minor irritation. If I have to look at this binty for much longer I'm going to start sending letter bombs to the internet company concerned...[/sarcasm]
I've been out campaigning twice during this election. First time was leafleting in Cranhill. I'm not about to put on my anorak for this, by the way. For the best political anorakyness in the McBlogosphere visit Macnumpty (as one of his comments duly points out, he's a political anorak par excellence, and on this occasion I'm not about to argue, merely reference the props concerned).
But... Cranhill. To me it looked like Saigon before Stanley Kubrick and Robin Williams turned up with two sets of cameras for their respective movies. Working class areas with these levels of quiet desperation seem to retain a semblance of dignity lost in Wimpey Homes or in Barrett Communities. And the one good thing about this by-election isn't the fact that it's giving the minority parties the exposure they lack the rest of the time when Newsnight ISN'T interested in either Solidarity or the SSP, but the fact that no-one can ignore the poverty in the East End. Aye, the main politicians are paying mere lip service to it, and aye, a vote for either Tricia McLeish or Frances Curran would make every voter in the East End a bona fide working class hero for decades to come, but it ain't gonnae happen. If you live in the world of political reality that circumstance has forced ME to live in, that means it's a straight two-horse SNP versus Labour. The backdrop is poverty. The inopportune resignation of David Marshall has provided a media opportunity for poverty akin to the murderous spree of Jack the Ripper in London's poverty-soaked Whitechapel, where there was more desperation than blood on the streets.
Interestingly, one unmentioned fact that you WON'T read in the newspapers, is that the HKF's (Hairy Knee'd Fundamentalists) have been out for the SNP. Yes, we are barred from Party membership; yes Alex and Nicola have to pretend not to notice the more obvious republican socialists and ultranationalists who are out saying: vote SNP... But we did and that's not about to change.
Speaking from a Republican Socialist point of view, one comrade asked why we (i.e. the SRSM) were seeking a vote for the SNP? Wasn't that like asking people to vote for the SDLP rather than Sinn Fein? One, neither the SSP or Solidarity have an armed wing (ceasefire or not...) and the SNP does NOT equate to the SDLP. Coming from an Irish Family I know how easy the transition from SDLP to New Labour actually is. It doesn't bear thinking about, frankly.
Being out campaigning for the SSP or Solidarity rather than the SNP would've been easier had it not been for the split. When Sheridangate happened, this was a deal-breaker for Republicans like myself. It was a return to 1980s-style "57 Varieties of British Socialism". We are NOT interested in that waste of resources. Unite, and we'll think about it. Split and the deal's broken. Once that deal was broken, the priority returned to getting Independence THEN Socialism. We can't get a Socialist Republic via Whitehall Supremacy. The civil rights of the Scottish People are far too much in danger to tolerate London-centric romantic nonsense.
Trendy left-wingers parachuted in from London like to slag off Whisky, short-bread tins, Jacobites, Covananters, Braveheart, etc and then proceed to try and tell ME how a London Based Socialist Solution is possible. It's like talking to creationists sometimes. "Jeez man... You don't believe in a London Socialist agenda? Man... you'll be telling me you believe in Evolution next..." And yes... we all know both Solidarity and the SSP have a pro-Independence policy, but without a UNITED FRONT, they could be singing Kum-by-ya for all it matters. And it doesn't matter whose fault it was, any more. It just matters that neither in the short-term can get a vote in Glasgow. Long-term I favour Solidarity over the SSP, to be honest. As soon as I read Solidarities missives on Tommygate, I knew it didn't matter whether he was guilty or innocent. This'll serve Solidarity well in the long-term. But for THIS election, the SNP was the only way to go.
Another night of campaigning, another River Island shirt road-tested. A pal of mine, though, went in full Siol t-shirt mode. Naturally this was the one night Alex Salmond was in the estate we were working. At one point, one of Alex's haircuts didn't notice the Siol logo and asked him if he wanted to speak to Alex... He flashed the SNP envelopes we were carrying and went about his business. This was in an ex-Council housing estate I hadn't bothered to ask for the name of. Inside my head I referred to it as Easternam or Carngon.
Oh... hold on. I seem to have waited until half an hour before election night was finished before posting this... Uh-oh. This means the Brits or the SNP can't use it against the campaign! What WAS I thinking! Oh well... What happened in Easternam, stays in Easternam.
In terms of the SSP and Solidarity, I would make the argument that this is a test of public support, as small as it is. It'll be interesting to see which party wins out. My eyes will be glued to THAT result, in particular (after Labour versus the SNP, obviously). I'll make a bold prediction and suggest the Judean People's Front will outdo the People's Front of Judea. I know... I didn't think I'd commit to an answer either... But take your jaw off the floor, I did...
Okay... Okay... I'll commit. I expect Solidarity to do better than the SSP. Yes, I think the SSP have the Moral highground, I just don't think the Scottish People CARE about that. I think Tommy has too much spin and too much political savvy behind him to lose out.
As for the SNP versus Labour, I'm expecting a slim Labour win. This is based upon my Airdrie and Shotts hypothesis. I convinced myself that Labour would lose Airdrie and Shotts at the General Election. A Labour agent said to me: "Karen Whitefield is convinced she'll win Airdrie and Shotts because of the strength of the Shotts Vote." As galling as it was, she was right. They did. Airdrie voted according to it believing it would lose Monklands Hospital A & E (and it retained it accordingly) but the Shotts votes were insurmountable. Maybe the SNP campaign was spread too thin then, maybe the Glasgow Fair issue will play into SNP hands... But it's a big IF. It's a REALLY big IF.
Over the weekend, I'll post my own personal post-mortem of the Glasgow East By-election.
"It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one."Bill Hicks
You may have noticed this blog's policy on pictures (any colour so long as it's black and white...) I'm breaching this policy for a rare Bannockburn picture. Make of it what you will...
If you're thinking about a song right now, I've attached the relevant video...
Despite just how downbeat I sounded in this previous post, I made sure I turned up at yesterday’s Falkirk Commemoration dressed in gunslinger black (sans T-shirt courtesy of a fabric softener accident). And I enjoyed every minute.
This incarnation of Falkirk started last year when the ‘Back of the Bannockburn March’ Association collaborated to build a cairn dedicated to the First Battle of Falkirk. There was a Rally then, and we repeated it this year. And it’s turned out to be a really good one.
Incidentally, the reason so many fundamentalist organisations seem as if they’re on the same page is because of two curious theories I have: firstly, that the SNP have a position on Bannockburn and Elderslie marches: “We don’t care whit ye’ve fallin’ oot o’er this year, git tae ra back and dinnae frighten ra tourists.” Afterward all us unkempt fundamentalists started asking: “Hi, I’m fae the SRSM, you’re fae Siol ye say? Ah, and you’re Na Fir Dileas…” Secondly, we usually trip up over each other trying to cultivate the same members.
Yesterday’s rally had a few nice touches aside from the speeches to mark (oh crap… he’s being positive… there must be something he feels he has to pay for…) this event out. Symbology. I *heart* symbology. I *pinkie heart* symbology. My dream is an event that’s got no talking, just something symbolic and mysterious. I even have an idea, but back to Falkirk: Raising the Standard by some dignatory, and my personal favourite where the Templar’s appear to use a Claymore as a cross. I’ve decided to ignore Jesus’s pacifist pretentions and assume they’re being ironic. See… still positive. Even just slamming the sword into the ground for the duration would’ve been enough for me.
And yet MORE positivity: David R Ross, Biker and Historian, did a speech which seems to be him back on form. He’s a staple and consequently he cannae get away with the same joke twice. The Siol speaker, Bob, was particularly passionate, and Gordon Aitken (speaker and sword bearer) had a diverse edge that people definitely appreciated. I thought they represented everyone and were informative and passionate. The mix was great, especially that bit where the public were being either nice or just going about their business. You get the impression at Bannockburn and (on a smaller scale) Glencoe that the locals are sharpening their pitchforks in anticipation of the event. But yesterday was Falkirk and they seemed glad that it was the first time this year that someone marched somewhere and no-one gave a fuck about Ireland.
OMG Kenny… That sounds awfully nice. You’re being really positive… Have you had sex or something? That streak finally been broken? Nope. Lets discuss the Templars. My comedy position on Templars is that Capes should be reserved for sexual games and American Superheroes. I understand, some people are Christians. I respect that. I don’t expect them to worship the Aten like me. I don’t expect them to worship the River or Rocks… But if we want to bring Jesus into our rallies or events, why choose the comedy ones?
You see here’s what happened. Here’s why I’m being honest. A couple of years ago a wee guy called Michel Roger LaFosse turned up. Some of us (myself included) thought: “That guy’s a lying bastard!” but we shut up in a spirit of diplomacy. This turned out to be a huge mistake. And then her majesty’s finest investigated just how much of a lying bastard he actually was, and now he lives in Belgium. So… rather than being diplomatic, I thought I’d try honesty for a bit. Seems to work for some of you people, may as well give it a bash…
You see my problem with Templarism is that it was all made up after romantic people who read ‘Holy Blood: Holy Grail’ by Michael Baigent, Richard Leigh, and Henry Lincoln couldn’t see that the only purpose of that book was to feed the authors’ bank account, Pierre Plantard’s ego. All it did was to give the French Surrealist Movement a reason to laugh l’ass feckin off for YEARS. If you want my opinion: Templarism is fiction in a very Tolkien sense. Back in the day a bunch of these weirdo cults started up, bought some capes and declared that they were part of an unbroken line of Templars from when they escaped France.
For me, it is exactly the same thing as mediumship, Anton La Vey’s Satanism and the Moonies: personal doctrine dressed up as dogma with an extra coating of ritual.
Factor in the “Holy Grail” and it has turned into a cross between Indiana Jones and Lord of the Rings. If there’s a democratic vote and everyone likes it and wants them to turn up, hey, fine. But in the spirit of freedom of speech I had to get that off my chest. For me, if you want to pay respect to Wallace’s religious beliefs then we shouldn’t be asking Templars, but asking the local religious groups (Catholic and Protestant) to conduct some kind of joint ceremony to show religious solidarity between differing positions. I think using an opportunity to highlight the ties that bind rather than fantasy history is an important point.
Mind you, chances are both Jesus and the Wallace, should their zombie corpses reanimate and perplex the world by their reappearance, would probably not like me being too lippy about the men in capes. People worship God in their own ways, and who am I to criticise? Make up your own damn mind.
In other news, Elderslie is being held. It’s run by the Wallace Society, and is a usually a great event.
Since I’ve adopted a “no more Mr. Nice Guy” approach, I have a request. It’s a congratu-circle of whoever is reading. Repeat after me: fuck Queen and Country…. fuck Queen and Country…. fuck Queen and Country…. Feel better? Good.
If there was a soundtrack to this blog post it would be either “Dance of the Knights” by Prokofiev or “Killing Moon” by Echo and the Bunnymen. You’ll need a musical soundtrack because there’s a few things we need to talk about.
First, you need to be a little less scared of demanding power back from the Brits. I mean this; you’re being just a bit nice. Political correctness has gone NUTS in this country. We’ve all learned to deal with every single one of our feelings except anger. Our country has gone to shit and we, apparently, don’t know what to do about it. Actually, that’s not entirely true. *I* know what to do about it, but apparently you don’t. Thus the explanation for the “reason for talkage” I hinted at earlier.
I know WHY you’re being reticent, I do. Thirty years since all that liberal hippy crap during the sixties have meant you’re not au fait anymore with being honest with your brothers and sisters. If you see a crying wean in the street, you don’t dry their tears, you cross the road so you don’t end up on some ‘register’ the government has invented that week. And maybe, aye, you’re a bit wary of feminist rights and what you can and can’t do. But here’s the problem: you sacrificed a lot of stuff on the altar of political correctness at the expense of honesty and THAT is not a good thing. You’ve turned into Bronwyn from Neighbours. You ARE that tartan shortbread tin. You’ve become the Plaid you wear. And that’s not who you are… It cannae be…
Stop being scared of you who are, and what you want. Tell the bastards in Whitehall that you WANT YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY BACK! Tell them that you are sick and tired of feral kids, high on drugs, policing the streets so that yer ain cannae get out to play like you did. Tell them that you don’t give a monkey’s testicle that the Auld Firm are playing that Saturday and no, whether you are a Catholic, Protestant, Atheist, Buddist, Jedi, Scientologist or Voodoo worshipper this WILL NOT IMPACT ON YOUR CHOICE OF FOOTBALL TEAM!
And I know that the voting form is about a foot long, and possibly has every weirdo loser on the planet under it, but there must be someone to vote for on it. Alyson (friend of mine) and I have had this conversation where she refuses to vote, because there is no-one to vote for. Hmm. None of the NINETEEN candidates at the last election floated her boat. Not one melted her butter (one of my bloggerinos just recognised that I nicked their expression… and yes I still want to talk… Email me…) I find it hard to believe that in the authentically boring Liberal Democracy we currently live in, so many normal human beings have such unapproachably high standards regarding their elected officials. Are they saying; “Well, yes I agree with John Mason on just about everything, but ma Da votit Labour aw his life, and that policy yon SNP huv on Abortion… that’s wan step too far inmaopinion.” I replied to this ‘real world’ scenario by pointing out: “Er… the SNP don’t HOLD the opinion you inferred. You are ‘officially’ talking crap.” “Aye. But they WOULD… WOULDN’T THEY?!?” I informed the person concerned of their upgrade (on my list) to Moron Status, and fortunately we haven’t spoken again. I just cleansed my social circle in one walk away. I feel better now…
Let’s think for a second about what we HAVE done and what we CAN achieve through militancy. This, of course, is if we regarded electioneering (see you in Glasgow East, by the way…) as one front, and ‘other’ methods as being addition operations for the sake of persuading the government of other things.
Activists like you opposed Nuclear Dumping in Glen Etive and brought the hell of Gruinard to the public imagination through Operation Dark Harvest. You changed Scotland for the better, once. You gave your successors a better country. Well done you! With Glen Etive you successfully opposed Nuclear Dumping in that area. With Operation Dark Harvest ‘the man’ had polluted an Island of Scotland, and then decided not to give a crap about the consequences. YOU made them give a crap about the consequences. Read what TIME magazine had to say about that: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,922652,00.html
It’s because of stories like the one I previously mentioned that I’m getting slightly tired of stubbing cigarettes on the gravelands of dead Jacobites. I’ve done most commemorations at one time or another. I don’t HAVE to earn stripes for commemorations; I probably helped make the bloody stripes. We need to get out there and organise something, somewhere, somewhen. Something that will get us just that bit closer to a free Scotland, and I don’t even care if you’re a Jacobite or Republican reading this. For all I care you’re a faction within the ‘Pink Hippo Free Scotland Alliance’ and want to fill an Independent Scotland with Sanctuaries for Pink Hippos. If you’re a Jacobite or Republican just DO SOMETHING. Plot to either overthrow or install a monarch. Just GET SOMETHING DONE!
Now, Iain Hamilton QC had a blog. And it was good. He posted effectively and intelligently. This was, of course, until one day when he decided to stop posting. His explanation for this was bullshit. He did not, as I am usually wanting to demand of my heroes, to speak from the fucking heart. He stopped blogging because “independence is inevitable”. Och… Come on Iain… But he WAS one of my heroes. Show me and everyone else SOME respect with comments like that. If he found that he’d done what he’d intended to do and found that he didn’t have the time anymore, just tell me! I’m an adult, I can cope with normality! I’ve been doing it for years! Don’t molly-coddle me like I’m some kind of special-needs project that can’t think for myself! Show me a little respect! What Iain did was to ‘leave a job hauf done!’ He got bored, came up with a crappy excuse for stopping and expected the rest of us just to accept this waste of text. No. No. No. It’s not good enough, he NEEDS to do better. If that means a better excuse, then fine. If that means the Daily Retard doesn’t have a decent story, then fuck them. I want MY heroes to SPEAK FROM THE HEART. On the basis of his worthless reason for ending his blog I’ve decide to suspend his ‘hero’ status on this blog for one month. For one month, he will no longer be a “hero” but will be downgraded one notch to “you fucker!”
I feel the need to make two predictions: one, the SNP will lose Glasgow East but increase their vote-share sufficiently to endanger Gordon Brown’s job. Two, the SNP’s flagship Local Income Tax is doomed to failure.
On Glasgow East, I should say that the reason for the failure will purely be because of the strength of the Labour Vote. There are morons out there who will vote Labour just because granddad John votit Labour way back when. It’s not even a thinking process. Bear in mind, this is a cadre of people who worship Celtic and Rangers thoughtlessly. As far as I’m concerned, they’ve bowed at the altar of capitalist sponsorship. They might as well be saying: “Stagecoach ROCKS!” “Go Coca Cola!” or “Fuck Coca Cola, PEPSI IS THE BEST!” Glasgow Celtic aren’t a bunch of fenian bastards, they’re a BRAND NAME! There are stocks and shares you can buy… YOU CAN INVEST IN CELTIC. Trust me, if you can invest in your favourite thing, it’s a fucking capitalist investment, it’s NOT a way of life. If you subscribe to that: fuck you. Get the hell off my blog, sort your life out and work out what really matters in life. In fact, I’ll go further: quit wasting all of our times and JUST KILL YOURSELF. Cleanse the gene pool of your worthless contribution to our society. No… really. I’m not joking now. KILL YOURSELF. I bet you’re thinking: “Kenny’s being really ironic now.”
Back to the topic at hand, though. I mentioned the whole “Local Income Tax” and how it was doomed to failure. Sorry, but it is. Its fantasy based upon a fabrication. Yes, making the Tax fairer is a good thing, but the problem is that it taxes individuals. That means that when the policy comes up officially (which it hasn’t) the Labour Party can invoke the “Poll Tax Obfuscation” tactic. At which point we all lose. Aye, the SNP are for it. Aye, the Lib-dems can be persuaded, but if you invoke the Poll Tax Tactic in Central Scotland, you are fucked. End of conversation, by the way. You can invoke the skills of your favourite accountant all you like, but if some bastard invokes the Poll Tax argument, then your position is so completely compromised that you’re as well turning on your favourite porno and wanking to your heart’s content, because there’s bugger all else to do THAT evening.
I also do childrens’ parties…
If we want a ‘positive’ position on things, where do we go? Do we read the Daily Record? Hell no. It’s far too interested in Paul Ferris for any really interesting politics. Nope, can’t go there. What about the Quality press? The Hootsmon or the Herald? Nope, cannae go there either: they’re all either British Cheerleaders, complete with silk uniforms and converse trainers (just like Doctor Who). If you want positive articles about the SNP… you have to read English Newspapers…
I’ve broken paragraph so that you’ve a chance to pick yourself up off the floor, get yourself an Irn Bru and sat back down at the PC. Yep… If you want impartial debate about the SNP you have to go to England. Read these three links and browse back so we can have a chat:
Interesting, neither Alex nor Nicola acquire demagogue status in ANY of these articles. Alex appears quite charming and just a bit Machiavellian, in fact. I would even go so far as to say that the SNP is being portrayed in a reasonably positive light. Is the problem the Britjock Press? Could it be that the standards we hold for our journalists aren’t high enough? YES OF COURSE IT IS! Stop being moronic and face facts: your journalists are lying to you. The objective for the Britjock press involves getting high-paid jobs in London as columnists or TV celebrities. To get those jobs they have to be MORE British than their counterparts down south.
They do this by BAITING you. Why do you think Martell Maxwell is so interested in the non-entities in Big Brother house? Why ELSE do you think Gorgeous George pretends to hates Nationalists so much? Why ELSE do you think Rikki Brown has to try SO hard to be SO pathetic when he’s trying to bait nationalists? These idiots aren’t even worthy of a slot on loose women never mind calling themselves Scottish Commentators. And don’t get me started on Robin Fucking Galloway. Stop being moronic and call these idiots for what they are: britjock cronies more interested in their careers than their jobs.
When these non-entities bleat, we buy it and accept what they have to say until truly analyse their comments. We spend time fighting the rotting corpse of our true history, and the neglect of Historic Scotland or the National Trust by standing in cold fields stubbing cigarettes onto the corpses of dead Jacobites and I’m starting to wonder: Is this right? I mean… I know all about what happened at Glencoe and I’ve been preaching the same dead message since 1999. Have any of those rallies made a difference? No. They haven’t. I’ve a NEW strategy, and those are publicly available history nights, when we get an occasion to get normal people along to hear some history, and that’ll be cool. We’ll meet, we’ll talk about stuff and everyone will go home informed. The problem with rallies is that we assume that the places we solemnly appear at are the only places with history in them. On a long enough time-line; which Scotland has, 2000 years means that every field has dead patriots in them. Another drinking club meeting isn’t the answer.
What is more damaging is continuing to allow our enemies, the revisionists, to continue to have a monopoly on Scottish history. Commemorations shouldn’t be the only method to fighting unionist injustice. We all know the Campbell’s weren’t to blame for Glencoe, so why allow the Unionists to paint THAT picture on THAT shortbread tin? Let’s get out there AND TELL PEOPLE! I’m arranging a history night for things like this. More info as and when… Contact me if you want to know more.
As Siol nan Gaidheal’s resident sci-fi geek, it behoves me to point out that the little police box which could remains the sole example of British Imperialism still policing the world. Despite being a fan of the series, it remains a barometer for British Imperialism, British Pop-culture and what fears alienate Essexana that particular week.
The programme has good points, though, in that Russell T Davis has an atheist agenda which remains commendable. His lonely god traverses time and space with aplomb which thumb’s its nose at the rest of the universe.
This is, of course, in spite of Lawrence Miles extraordinary manipulation of the programme’s fan base. LM was a Doctor Who writer before the new series started who was jipped by the current outfit of writers and who found himself selling Rudyard Kipling’s “IF” philosophy to a generation of fans who wanted to believe David Tennant’s Bambi portrayal of the Lonely God. RTD found himself cast as Brutus and Cassius while LM found himself in the role of Dante.
My problem with the Little Police Box which could stems from the unkempt metaphor that the British Police are still policing the world on all our behalves. Where there is a wrong to be righted, Dixon of Sonic Screwdriver Green will be there to make sure we all go to bed happy, loved and protected. We’ve had this Shinto much more bluntly from Spooks where British Agents would happily dispense with a number of our Urban Myth fears about Islamic terriorism on our behalf despite the odd intrusion of one of Martin McGuinness’s cronies or the Welsh getting wired into the cast that season. TV reassured us that we were protected. We were… safe.
Aye dot dot dot right. The outcome of the 1707 fiasco and the 1745 rebellion were all okay because the Doe-eyed David Tennant was in charge of the Doctor this season. Thanks for that… I dunno what I’d have done otherwise…
But DT’s Estuary English is a sacrifice, isn’t it? He had to take on that Sewshalist Wurker drawl for the duration. This, obviously, is because the London-media will only accept an Estuary-accented Doctor in the lead role. When Sylvester McCoy took the role, it was a disaster, likesay. Let’s dispense with how successful Trainspotting was, or the fact that Cracker deserved an American remake or that Gregory’s Girl and Comfort and Joy were amongst the best exports Scottish Cinema has ever had. We remain, as James D Young quoted, the very bastards of creation. We, as a nation and a people, are not to be taken seriously because we represent the antithesis of what our masters’ decree we should represent as “Brits”.
Take a look at Margaret Curran, the Labour MSP now seeking to break her ain parties’ rules over who stands for the Westminster Parly. N.B, they brought in those rules because Alex Salmond. And they ignored those rules because of the SNP chances of winning Glasgow East. But it’s okay… Margaret Curran and her very British shoes will protect Scotland from herself. Yes… that was a dubious aside, but well granted I’d argue.
Sci-fi monsters ALWAYS represent the fears of their target population. Or at least they should. As LM pointed out, the Daleks in Doctor Who, crucial to three out of four season storylines have NEVER been scary. Granted, they’re iconic, and we all know we’re SUPPOSED to be scary, and probably naively assume that the kids are, so that’s alright then… but what IS a Dalek, outside of Doctor Who? What is a Cyberman? Both of the Big Bads represent a fear of being trapped inside technology; and we as humans are saved by a lonely god with a magic wand travelling the world in a British Police Box. Empire… steeling itself against the hoards of the future and keeping England’s green and pleasant lands… er green and pleasant.
That’s what Doctor Who IS and remains: a barometer of Imperialism. Doctor Who, in his current incarnation remains this, and even the writers tacitly acknowledge this. In the present Incarnation, Doctor Who is the last of the Gallifreyans, the species Doctor Who comes from. He is the last man in the universe capable of protecting London from the hoards of evil emanating from the darkest depths of the universe. And only a South London accent can save humanity. Yes… God is an Englishman in a brown suit. Or if you preferred Christopher Eccleston, a battered black leather jacket. Those of you who know my Jacket preferences will know which Doctor *I* preferred.
The formulaic Brit references are telling: Series one, London Blitz (“Aliens of London” and “World War Three”) and Charles Dickens (“The Unquiet Dead”); Series two, Queen Victoria (“Tooth and Claw”); Series Three, William Shakespeare (“The Shakespeare Code”) and Series Four, Agatha Christie (“The Unicorn and the Wasp”). This, naturally, is why Americans love Doctor Who. It shows their allies as they want to see them, not as they truly are. Through BBC Wales they see a British Empire standing against the forces of darkness.
What they fail to witness is the truth: a fragmented country, tearing itself apart since it had forged through lies, betrayal and blood and which is in the final stages of divorce from a shotgun marriage involving domestic violence, rape, murder, assassination, dirty tricks and a supremacist ideology that even the most rabid of Brits couldn’t possibly believe, although the more Neanderthal elements of the Brutish Far Right continue to aspire to.
In Doctor Who the British Empire can live forever, and to quote the Ninth Doctor: “Everybody lives, Rose, Everybody LIVES!” But those of us who have to live in the real world, and have done for three hundred years can only bear witness to the oppression and knowledge that the only thing which lives is the desire to assassination all four beautiful cultures in these Islands.
Last season, they had an episode (Series 3, Episode 10) called Blink. It was the best drama episode on BBC television in ten years, in my opinion. The premise was that every statue is a monster that only moves when no-one is looking. THAT was a scary idea, and no-one needed a mutant bloody pepperpot. The guy who wrote this, also gave us the sequel to RLS “Jekyll and Hyde”: the holistic and inspired: Jekyll. The writer happens to be Scottish, but that’s not why it was brilliant. And they gave him the Doc Who top job as Supremo Writer Dude.
And aye, I will be watching every series the BBC throws at me, not because I have to, not because it’s a barometer for imperialism and not because of those fucking god-awful Daleks, but because it’s still better than River-fucking-City. And it’s the only quality Sci-fi programme on the box. But like everything else on the EBC, it comes as a price, and that’s being force-fed a British ideology which doesn’t exist and paying for it through the license fee.
Addendum: Whilst I was preparing this post, I thought it pertinent to point out one of the formulaic features of the Doctor. Writer Terry Nation, who came up with the Daleks, conceived a series called Blakes Seven, which he claimed was "Robin Hood in Space." The Lonely God with his magic Sonic Screwdriver is, inevitably, Merlin transported into modern Whitechapel with the ability to foil Jack the Ripper's schemes...
Would it be too tragic to quote Oscar Wilde’s Requiscat in memory of Wendy’s passing? I don’t think so. Jesus… there were some days when she faced off against Alex Salmond and the Labour Party would’ve been just as well playing a tape recording of an Elk braying in pain over an arpeggio on a Casio Keyboard. Who WOULDN’T miss that lack of ability?
To the tune of “Mandy” by Barry Manilow
Well you came when I’d bearly formed an opinion
And now they’ve sent you away, oh Wendy
And your debating skills made bush look like Oscar Wilde,
So we need you today, oh Wendy!
Naturally this was OUR entire fault. DAMN us for making strong arguments backed up by exhaustive research by qualified accountants, political theorists and BLAST our practicality and accessible political arguments. How can we sleep at night knowing that WE are helping the Scottish People help themselves and not wanting to pour gallons of Oil Revenue and filling Scottish graveyards full of Her Maj’s Weegie finest so we can continue to massacre the Iraqis, Afghans or whoever else it is this week…
“The process of successive SNP-inspired complaints and investigations has been unrelenting and will continue well into the autumn, almost a year after the initial complaint.” Part of Wendy’s resignation statement.
*Raises both fists in air in disbelief* your hands were in the Biscuit Tin, you were CAUGHT in said Biscuit Tin, and somehow this is OUR fault? Yes, yes it WAS our fault. We made that Biscuit Tin all glittery and tempting. We filled it with nice biscuits, like those pink ones you used to get off your Gran but can’t remember the name of…We even had Jaffa Cakes in that Biscuit Tin. We put it somewhere it could be seen, like in a cupboard in the Kitchen. In fact, Wendy’s right. This is a travesty of justice. We should CLEAR HER NAME forthwith. That Biscuit Tin she nicked from was shamelessly whoring itself to the planet. Fuck it, that Biscuit Tin deserved to be violated by Wendy. Give that woman a Victoria Cross for exposing that Biscuit Tin to be the shameless harlot it so patently was. She’s like Woodward and Bernstein exposing President Nixon. Wendy. Saved. Us. All. Phone up the Sun and tell them… Fuck it, phone Richard Dawkins and tell him anaw. Get Nelson Mandela involved! We’ll have a Rally, there’ll be stickers, a petition and the Clash can reform with Joe Strummer’s Zombie corpse and THEN WE’LL ALL KNOW JUST HOW BAD THIS ACTUALLY WAS!
“I have enjoyed the loyal support of my shadow ministerial team, MSPs, staff and Labour colleagues.” More from Wendy’s resignation statement
Was I the only person who read that statement above and imagined 25 Labour MSPs on the Bridge of the Death Star looking hatefully through a window at Tattooine? Them all there with their Grey Uniforms, and Darth Wendy trying to Force Choke Luke Salmondwalker somewhere on the Planet below?
“I have sought to lead Labour in the Scottish Parliament with commitment and conviction without indulging in the personal attacks which have become so fashionable in current Scottish politics.” Another snippet from Wendy’s Resignation statement
Babe, you also led Labour with a bland housewifieness I found VERY suspicious. If THAT was your commitment level then I should point out that I was smoking Skunk Cannabis when I had THAT uninspired level of commitment. That was an interesting night… I nearly committed to learning the Sitar…
“I will of course continue to represent my constituents in Paisley North for as long as they entrust me with their support.” The Final Paragraph from Wendy's statement.
I had this conspiracy theory, not that this in anyway will reduce the obvious joy-quotient of Paisley North residents knowing that Darth Wendy will still inhabit their own personal part of the universe, but this theory was that Wendy was intentionally being shit. I’m going to be honest here, I found Wendy Alexander quite fanciable for a Labour MSP. And she’s obviously a smart cookie; she’s debated well before and then became leader and turned into something that would fail an audition on Loose Women. I don’t care in my “leader of men” is in an enemy party, I want them to have more Savvy than either Jacqui Brambles or Carol McGriffin. It’s a tough rule, but a fair one, I think…
It seemed to me as if the Labour Party were intentionally throwing the Parliament. They knew their fortunes were keech UK-wide, that the Tories were on the rise in England, and so decided not to argue too hard (to avoid creating headlines) for the Parly and make all the headlines in Scotland about the UK parliament, thus undermining Devolution for the period they AREN’T in office. My thinking is this: the Labour Party thinks they’re doomed at the next General Election to the Tories. So, they undermine the value of the Scottish Parliament knowing that Cameron will be the new English Hammer of the Scots and when it comes around to the NEXT set of Scottish Parliament elections (2011) Scottish Labour can leap in as Saviors, heroes and will rescue Scotland from the inept Nationalists. With the help of those commendable Liberals, natch. All the Liberals and Labour have to do in THIS Scottish Parliament is not take it seriously, and only try and thwart the REALLY big manifesto points the SNP wants through: like the Referendum and the Local Income Tax.
As an aside: I hate Liberalism for three simple reasons. It’s passionless. It doesn’t speak from the heart. It believes in nothing. It’s this passionless, “make it up as we go” attitude that perplexes me. I want my politics to have so much passion they want me to dance naked in a field with them. I want to feel like I’m making a difference just by being on the same side as my politicians, not that I’m only there to talk about coffee mornings or deliver bland leaflets which are demographically drawn up, targeted to that specific environment and aren’t in any way controversial to anyone. Heaven forbid.
My view is that Wendy will be followed by Cathy Jamieson or some other bland clone, and then by someone else until it gets close enough to an election to field a decent candidate (Pauline McNeill, Glasgow Kelvin MSP and current Shadow Justice Meenister) and only THEN will the revolving door stop and Labour will move their proverbial car into top gear and seek to save the Scots from themselves by being, feeling, voting… BRITISH.
But this, of course, assumes Alex and Nicola aren’t going to capitalise on their current position. Presently, I don’t believe that the Labour Party HAS anyone of the calibre of either Alex or Nicola. Nicola was hypnotic at Bannockburn this year. There were rumours that Alex blew us off for a Golf lesson. If he did, props for that. It’s that kind of debonair confidence and trust in his deputy we NEED. If Salmond gets a 2010 referendum and the Local Income Tax taken seriously (it’ll never see the light of day, sorry, there are too many holes…) then the Union is scuppered and my Labour Conspiracy theory is scuppered.
And there’s politics in a nutshell: You are being played, by everyone, all the time. Every single member, never-mind every MSP, has their own agenda and playbook they’re working ALL THE TIME on YOU: Joe McPublic. Enjoying it, are we?
When great statesmen retire, it’s usually like listening to Nessun Dorma. There are waves of emotion and drama and everyone gets all misty-eyed. Commentators reminisce; old women get just a wee bit wet… (cos they’re still human…) Old men wish they HAD BEEN… him… Even the enemies, usually, say how much they enjoyed the ripostes they had, which is nice.
When a Lib-Dem goes, it rarely rates much of a reaction. Nicol, of course, is no different. He, apparently, was a nice guy. Woo hoo. Hope the family are cool an ‘at…
For a millisecond I wondered if there may be some Spooks-style premise where a bunch of Spies, watching a Glasgow Hotel for potential Al Qaeda operatives, had to untie Wendy and Nicol from the same auto-erotic escapade gone wrong that we all know happened to Michael Hutchence and then forced them to cover it all up by inconveniently quitting at the same time for different reasons. I have to concede though: this may not have been the case.
Between Wendy and Nicol, and M & S apparently going down the tubes, this is well turning out to be Lemming Thursday for the Brits. The economy is going to hell, the Unionists charged with messing up Alex and Nicola’s cunning plans have all decided that they’d rather be somewhere else. And if all that weren’t crappy enough, the best chance the Housewives of Sussex had in Wimbledon was some guy who said that he’d rather support anyone but the English Football team.
I should, of course, either be lamenting or crowing the passing of Nicol. I have no particular angle on Nicol, though, except that like most Liberals, I’ve never believed for one minute he spoke from his fucking heart. When Pauline McNeill went postal during the night on May 3rd slagging off the SNP, I absolutely loathed that. But, I DID respect it, because it was genuine emotions. When Socialists at various counts wanted to make their feelings known about what they’d like to insert into the BNP candidate, where and just how often: I respected that brutal honesty. And when Annabel Goldie, is being coy and hilariously good in Parliament: I can respect that.I don’t need to agree, but I can at least respect certain things despite basking in their inevitable wrongness.
Here’s the problem with his resignation: he left because he wuvs his famiwy. Aw the nice. It may well be true, for all I know, but that’s like saying you didn’t pay a bill because it got lost in the post. No-one believes you, and you would at least get some respect for making something up. Here’s my rewrite of Nicol’s departure as it should have been:
“My fellow Liberals. I’d just like to say that these however-long-it’s-been months have, basically, rocked like fuck. Menzies… Ma runnin’ dawg! *points to audience where Menzies Campbell nods approvingly* Mikey… Mr Rockin’ Rumbles! Take this party, and those other puppies in the parly to the cleaners pal!
“So why am I leaving? I’ve… had a dream. It wasn’t about going to a mountain, and reaching the promised land. But that IS in this queue. Behind what I’m about to confess.
“I am pleased to announce that I have been cast as ‘Macavity, the Mystery Cat’ in Cats, the musical… Oh no, Mikey, not in the West End! Brothers and Sisters: Nicol Stephen is off to Broadway!” And then he stomps off the stage.
It would be even better if simply DID (after making the above statement) just leave politics for his family. It would perplex the hell out of the press and would, frankly, be the most interesting thing to happen in Scottish Politics since we all heard why Nicola Sturgeon got the nickname “Gnasher”.
Politicians, when they leave, can be witty and interesting and speak from the heart. I forgave the Tory Michael Forsyth when he arrived late at the Scottish Office, to hand over to Donald Dewar, grumbled about the traffic to the watching press and media and wryly said: “I blame the government.” THAT is at least being gracious in defeat.
I mean… to get angry for a bit… It’s not like there’s much competition. 12 idiots in a secret televised house in London where the collective IQ adds up to one of the Cans of Irn Bru you’ll get from a Scottish Parly vending machine. Either that or some horny, hormonal, forgettable flake from Eastenders / Corrie / X factor… There IS NO competition here. AND they don’t have an excuse. Ordinary people are great, and fascinating. No… really… you are. It’s the only reason I travel on Public Transport. Whether it’s those badly-dye-jobbed single mothers using their buggies to create an unsolvable maze to negotiate trying to get off; or the shy-to-the-point-of-autism being badgered by someone so extroverted they’ve probably sang “Shang-a-lang” at Simon Cowell at the Glasgow Auditions…
Politicians are intentionally dull because they don’t want to offend anyone. When has that EVER worked in Scotland? It’s what we do best. Late at night, in Glasgow, coming out of the Blue Lagoon underneath the Heilanman’s Apron, it was something of a ritual to stumble past a group of neds who thought it funny to bat the fish supper from underneath to see how many chips they could misplace. Or that one tragic occasion when a group of Irish Students passing the Park Bar in Glasgow, see me and my mates in kilts returning from an Arbroath rally, start making flute band impersonations and wondering just why my crazy friend was trying to explain to him, in the loudest possible terms, that he should sort his blinking life out.
My theory is that politicians are trying to dumb us all down. The reason that the Socialists want Cannabis legalised is because they want easier access. The reason that the Liberals want it is because they want us all to be as boring, tedious and navel-gaspingly shallow as their own party is.
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